Jumpsuit Nation

I had always assumed jumpsuits weren’t for me. This long torso of mine would ruin the look, I figured. My natural waist is at least two inches lower than where clothing wants it to be.

Approximately two years ago, I bought a jumpsuit on a whim. It fit, but I fussed with it the whole first wearing, tugging the waist to where I wanted it. Unsurprisingly, said jumpsuit largely languishes in the back of my closet.

Still, all summer, I saw so many cute, casual jumpsuits, particularly in my neighborhood and it made me want to try again.

That is how I became the proud owner of three new jumpsuits.

First I found this casual one, in black, from the Gap. I am definitely taking it on my upcoming vacation. Of the three, it’s the easiest to take off in the ladies’ room.😄

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A lighthearted post about food

Update: Try @Cookunity for an artfully crafted and healthy meals by local private chefs. Use my link to get $30 off! 

In an effort to lighten things up from this, that and the other thing around here, let’s talk about food. You like food, right? Of course you do!

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(Gag)

During my time in LA this spring, I had the opportunity to sample some meals from a local private chef. I was staying in an apartment in busy, noisy Hollywood so there wasn’t any room service and I dreaded walking around the tourist-packed neighborhood, looking for carryout. I used Seamless and TryCaviar a bit, but it was much more expensive than in NYC. Continue reading

I miss him

Tomorrow is Monday. For most people, it will be just another work week starting. But for me, it is the worst anniversary: two years since we lost Dad.

July 17 used to be just another summer day, but now it looms like an exam I didn’t study for or a long, painful dental appointment.

As this summer approached, I didn’t think about lounging by the pool or trips to the beach. Instead I thought “was Dad in the hospital by now two years ago?” Anxiety festered inside me as I tried to decide how I should observe the day. I worried “what if I missed the anniversary completely? What if I forgot?”

Maybe someday I won’t dread July 17, but I doubt I will ever forget what happened on that terrible day. Continue reading

Four things I love about LA (and one I don’t)

This spring, I have had the opportunity to spend lots of time in one of my favorite cities, Los Angeles. My most recent trip, a long one of just over two weeks, is about to wrap up which has me thinking about what I will miss.

First, the brightly colored flowers and trees. Even in the scruffiest neighborhood, there are beautiful jacaranda trees and wildflowers.

Second, the weird news. A few weeks ago, the big news was a car that “fell” into someone’s backyard with no sign of a driver. More recently, there was the ‘flying horse.’ There are so many televised car chases that the local NBC affiliate has a dedicated web site section for this type of news AND promises to follow-up on the outcome of each car chase.

Third, the sunshine. I always felt that if I lived here, I’d miss the variety of weather that we have in NYC. Truly, I’m the weirdo who enjoys winter.

But during this longer stay, not only have I realized that LA does have some rainy days and temperature fluctuations to break things up, but I have also experienced a huge, much-needed lift in my energy levels. I even went on a hike!

Fourth, the apparel possibilities. April and May nights in LA have been cool. You can still wear sweaters or jackets plus cute booties without having the seasonal transition weather awkwardness I always feel in NYC. I don’t know why this feels like a revelation. But I swear it is. And I suddenly understand who buys sleeveless sweaters and suede sandals–it’s LA people.

Finally, what don’t I like? Limited access to cats and kittens. Yes, I’m serious. I miss my PS9 friends that much. Fortunately that could be addressed with a little free time and effort.

I’ll be home soon, kitties.

Good news. And yet…

Yesterday was my most recent CT scan. As I mentioned before, I’m slated to have scans every three months for a year.

I prepare myself for the waiting, and yet I still find myself bewildered by the actual experience. In situations like mine, appointments are more suggestion than commitment. It’s the trade-off for accessing a world-class specialist, and for him offering to review your raw test output with you in real time, same day. It’s the knowledge that a patient in my situation will wait pretty much as long as is required to get whatever answers and comfort are available.

There is much variety within the waiting. Am I waiting in the wrong place? Did I arrive on the wrong day? Did I fail to prepare? Or is someone simply out to lunch? Continue reading

I’m not myself right now

I should do something. But I’m so tired. I should go to the gym or write or something. 

It’s Saturday and I’m lying on my bed wearing gym clothes. I didn’t make any plans for the weekend with the exception of Sunday brunch and I’m semi-OK with that. On one hand, I am tired from a lot of recent business travel. On the other, I miss my friends and know I am going to be traveling a ton these next two months so when will I see them?

But back to the first hand. Lounging on my bed with Law & Order playing in the background is all I can seem to do. I don’t even have the energy to visit the cats today.

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Five or six weeks ago, I emailed a therapist specializing in grief counseling to request an appointment. I followed the process spelled out on her web site after going through a painstaking process to identify her as someone who accepted my insurance, didn’t have hellaciously bad reviews online, wasn’t geographically undesirable and maybe-hopefully had a basic web site via which I could confirm the particulars.

She has yet to respond to my initial inquiry, or a follow up one made after three weeks of silence. Thus far, I haven’t been able to make myself place a follow-up phone call. And I absolutely don’t have the energy to cross-reference the thousands of listings of people my insurance company swears take my insurance (not this one) with ZocDoc or Yelp or similar. As a result, I will probably try to make an appointment near home at a place that doesn’t take insurance, but does respond to appointment inquiries and fast. At $300 per session, they are quite ready to sign me up.

But I will figure something out eventually, right?

I don’t feel depressed in the sense that I have before. Depression is not unfamiliar to me. I take medicine and previously worked through the things that hurt me in therapy. The black dog has followed me for as long as I can remember. But it has become manageable. Had.

This part of me isn’t something I had been ashamed of, but I had long felt it was well addressed and I didn’t need to talk about it.

But this is different. I feel flat. There’s so little that excites me. My ‘happy place’ right now is lying in bed playing Words with Friends or sleeping. I cancel plans frequently.

I find it so hard to focus. I feel tired every hour of every day. My body aches. About once a week, spurred by thoughts of my father, I have a big cry. And yes, typing that sentence caused a lump in my throat followed by a rush of tears to my eyes.

I miss Dad so much – the uncomplicated nature of our relationship and the constancy of his support. While we had philosophical disagreements, I always knew he was listening to me, absorbing my thought process and considering it carefully.

Dad’s absence has changed my relationship with my mother too. I knew it would, of course, but the changes are not at all what I expected, making me feel lost in the dark. I thought she would need me more and it’s not that I wish for her to need me more, but I can’t say I understand how to act right now. Additionally, in spite of her strength, I don’t feel like I can tell her how rough I have been feeling, particularly after what I put her through last fall.

Even though I know I have reason not to feel my best, I feel guilty for the fact that I don’t. I feel terrible about my inability to write, or to focus my pitiful attention long enough to read a chapter of a book. I can’t fathom ever pushing myself hard enough to get fit again.

I don’t feel terrible, just low, most days–only some. I’m not sad daily, but my energy level is poor. One day, I am able to power through with smile, more or less. But others, I spend hours in bed. Making small talk, something my livelihood depends on, feels like torture sometimes.

I know from experience that this too shall pass. But in this moment, I can only wish to feel better soon.


It’s Sunday. I wake up excited to have brunch with my friend Brooke and then do a little skincare shopping together. The sun is shining for the first time since I returned from my most recent business trip a few days ago.

On my way home from brunch and shopping, I stop at Whole Foods in hopes of finding some of my favorite ice cream – score! – and then stop by to see the kitties.

 

Some days are easier than others.

How I spent my President’s Day Weekend

Hello friends,

I’ll get back to the blog soon – promise!

How was your holiday weekend? While I, like seemingly a lot of people, am not celebrating #45, I did have an enjoyable President‘s Day Weekend.

I stuck a literal toe into the foot peel realm, using this one from Boscia. Yes, I am nervous about the gross-out potential in the coming week. No, I won’t be sharing pics on social media.

I grabbed margaritas and Mexican food with @full_of_moxie at a place called Fonda in the East Village.

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Tamarind margarita – yum!

 

I sniffled like mad either from a cold or too much kitty time. Oops.

And now it’s time for that old Monday night past time: watching The Bachelor. What will Corinne do this time?!