No class (Part 2)

First read Part 1 if you haven’t already.

What has two thumbs and took her first gym class in years?

OK so it’s me, not Liz Lemon.

After a false start in which I signed up for something called Cardio Video Dance only to realize NOPE), I talked myself into a Vinyasa yoga class. And by “yoga” please know that I don’t mean serious yoga like that taught at Greenhouse. I mean the kind that comes free at my somewhat down-at-heels gym.

“Do it for the blog,” I told myself as my finger hovered over the mouse. With that motivation, I clicked Register.

Unlike with Cardio Video Dance, I actually showed up for yoga, albeit a minute or so late. I arrived to find the studio crowded and the lights already dimmed.

“Where can I get a mat?” I asked the handsome bearded guy sitting near the door. He pointed toward the far corner of the room. Great. I have my own mat obviously. It’s just that I like to keep it clean and dry in a closet in my apartment, OK?

After scurrying across the studio and back, I planted my mat between Bearded Stranger and a woman with long shiny brown hair. Watching her coax her hair into a perfect ponytail, I imagined her Instagram feed. Surely it would be full of #cleaneating and green juice and inspirational messages. We would not be friends.

But I could copy her yoga moves, right? After all, I was in the back of the room sans contact lenses and with a massive pillar separating me from the instructor whose name I never did catch. Ponytail looked like a better yogini than Bearded Stranger who upon closer inspection, I noticed was wearing some sort of anklet. Sigh.

This being my first yoga class in approximately four years thanks to breaking a bone in my wrist, I felt somewhat lost during the class. Fortunately I’m a decent faker.

I was surprised by the number of dudes in the class. It was probably 65% female/35% male. Apparently men are getting the message that yoga is a good spot to pick up women a good work out. Duly noted.

To be honest, I considered quitting the class three times. My wrist hurt and I wanted to lie down in corpse pose more than we did. Twenty minutes in, I was breathing harder than expected and after thirty, I was sweating. Can you imagine how much glistening I’d have done in Cardio Video Dance?

Our nameless instructor played music which I don’t think is customary, but it helped me get through the class. In my head I was playing Name That Tune instead of focusing on my quad’s violent twitching during Warrior I. When John Mayer’s “Gravity” came on, though, I may have engaged in a bit of side-eye. No one noticed because by that point, we were supposed to be breathing with our eyes closed. I peeked and confirmed the obedience of others.

All told, I looked at the clock five, maybe six times. But I made it through all 55 minutes of the class. I didn’t quit and I was even good at a few things which matters in competitive sports like yoga.

Pigeon pose? Nailed it. Ponytail couldn’t come close to my pigeon. Bearded stranger might have stared. My hips, they are OPEN! I beat you, Ponytail. Even in my laziness, I am flexible. Imagine how flexible I can be if I don’t wait another four years to go back?

Post class, I was sore from the muscles in my shoulders and back to my hamstrings. In a good way except when I almost cried about carrying my gym bag on the crowded subway ride home. No one gave up their seat for me.

I won’t be so nice after my next yoga class so look out.

Namaste, jerks.

6 thoughts on “No class (Part 2)

  1. Paul

    Ummm, I’m not sure that the purpose of Yoga is supposed to be training yourself to feel superior to others. Perhaps I’m mistaken and Yoga has evolved to meet the needs of our society. I know that martial arts sems to have gone that way – “I can beat the crap out of you, so therefore I’m a better person” (MMA) as opposed to finding inner peace through training. Ah well, life goes on.

      1. Paul

        Me too! tongue in cheek is my idea of working out – sometimes makes me look like a chipmunk with a nut, but that’s the price for keeping my cheeks (as in “cheeky” – get it? Ha!) in shape. I know most people (including yourself) get into exercise for personal betterment and health – I was sort of making fun of the idiots who have to turn everything into a competition (some kind of an insecurity complex goin’ on there, for sure). Which I assumed you were also doing (making fun, that is). I guess I need to work on not sounding so serious. Honestly that has been a problem for me before – I apologise for unintentionally darkening your comments – not intended. Yoga On!

  2. PinotNinja

    Competitive yoga is totally my jam. I try to play all namaste and keep my eyes on my own mat, but the highlight of every class is when I can get into one pose (and let’s be honest, it’s never more than one) better than the Lulu-clad, raw juice pounding, mala bead wearing “person” next to me.

    And Gravity deserves all of the side eye available in the world.


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