Category Archives: Life stories

What’s happening?

I so admire bloggers who manage to post daily. I once was one of them–although the content was sometimes questionable at best. To have fresh ideas and the ability to shape them efficiently…what a gift!

But so much of what I wrote over the last four years has been about life’s trials: experiencing my Dad’s swift decline and then his death; and my own bizarre tumor adventure in particular.

More recently, I chose not to blog about my Mom’s badly broken leg and how much she struggled with the recovery (she’s beyond healed now and so happy). Or my concussion last summer (although I have tweeted about it plenty). I haven’t posted about trips I have taken or exciting (only to me, probably) developments in my career.

Ultimately I have not posted about how low I have felt. Because who wants to read about that?

[I know that I am not alone and like a lot of you, I give partial claim to the current state of world affairs.]

But the real struggle is with myself. Adulthood is hard. I realize now that my life will forever be divided into the portion With Dad and Without Dad. Losing one of the two people who made me removed whatever blinders I had on. And it isn’t simply about feeling his absence. I feel the passage of time acutely–for all I know, my life is more than half over (and I only recently made it to Paris for the first time!*).

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Galeries Lafayette

On my darkest days, I find myself looking at my life and feel absolutely crushed about the things I haven’t accomplished, the places I haven’t seen with my own eyes and my present lack of energy to do something about the ways I feel I have let myself down.

Please know this: I don’t feel like this every day and I acknowledge that I have the power and the privilege to chip away at my to do list. I am fortunate.

On better days, I remind myself that Dad would be so proud of me, and Mom still is. And that I live in one of the best cities in the world and get to visit all kinds of cool places. And most importantly, even when I am alone, I don’t feel lonely because I know there is a lot of love in my life.

I hope to write and post more. We’ll see. In the meantime, I’d love to hear how you’ve been in the comments.

*This is simultaneously tongue-in-cheek and sincere.

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Why do I look so bad in shorts?

Update: I bought new shorts! Details at the bottom of this post.

I have long joked to my friends that if reincarnation ends up being real, I hope I come back as a woman who looks good in shorts.

Right now, I definitely do not. I have always been afflicted with blessed with thighs. My legs are somewhat long but no matter how fit I am (or how fit I am not) at various points in my life, I have always had thighs.

As proof, here are two photos of me when I was fit as hell and still studying dance of various styles at least three days per week. All I see are thighs. Thighs like giant hams.

 

 

 

 

Those tights didn’t do me any favors either.

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The world’s most expensive vacation

We didn’t go to Italy last year. About a month before we were supposed to depart, the tumor was discovered.

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My doctor said I could travel, but Mom was reluctant.

“I’m not traveling with you–you’re a ticking time bomb!” she said. Continue reading

One of a thousand #MeToo posts I could write

This story is gross and upsetting and I have long been embarrassed about it. I could have sworn that I wrote a post about the incident, but searching “Chris” and “gross” didn’t produce any results.

Even now, many years later, I feel uncomfortable typing the words. But the story is timely and in sharing it, maybe I can help someone feel less alone while they consider their own #MeToo moments.


I was young and broke and living in NYC. My first job after college graduation paid just $25,000* and my rent was $950 per month. If I’d had any common sense at all at twenty-two years old, I would have realized that living alone wasn’t a viable option. But I was stubborn and wanted to feel independent, even as I accepted subsidies from my parents.

Recognizing that I was locked into a year-long lease, my mother didn’t give me too much grief when I called home crying poverty. But she did suggest I get a second job for some hours outside of my 9-5 gig.

*At some point, I will write many blog posts about the importance of negotiation and the many mistakes I made in this realm before waking up.

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A lighthearted post about food

Update: Try @Cookunity for an artfully crafted and healthy meals by local private chefs. Use my link to get $30 off! 

In an effort to lighten things up from this, that and the other thing around here, let’s talk about food. You like food, right? Of course you do!

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(Gag)

During my time in LA this spring, I had the opportunity to sample some meals from a local private chef. I was staying in an apartment in busy, noisy Hollywood so there wasn’t any room service and I dreaded walking around the tourist-packed neighborhood, looking for carryout. I used Seamless and TryCaviar a bit, but it was much more expensive than in NYC. Continue reading

I miss him

Tomorrow is Monday. For most people, it will be just another work week starting. But for me, it is the worst anniversary: two years since we lost Dad.

July 17 used to be just another summer day, but now it looms like an exam I didn’t study for or a long, painful dental appointment.

As this summer approached, I didn’t think about lounging by the pool or trips to the beach. Instead I thought “was Dad in the hospital by now two years ago?” Anxiety festered inside me as I tried to decide how I should observe the day. I worried “what if I missed the anniversary completely? What if I forgot?”

Maybe someday I won’t dread July 17, but I doubt I will ever forget what happened on that terrible day. Continue reading

Good news. And yet…

Yesterday was my most recent CT scan. As I mentioned before, I’m slated to have scans every three months for a year.

I prepare myself for the waiting, and yet I still find myself bewildered by the actual experience. In situations like mine, appointments are more suggestion than commitment. It’s the trade-off for accessing a world-class specialist, and for him offering to review your raw test output with you in real time, same day. It’s the knowledge that a patient in my situation will wait pretty much as long as is required to get whatever answers and comfort are available.

There is much variety within the waiting. Am I waiting in the wrong place? Did I arrive on the wrong day? Did I fail to prepare? Or is someone simply out to lunch? Continue reading