Tag Archives: sleep

I’m not myself right now

I should do something. But I’m so tired. I should go to the gym or write or something. 

It’s Saturday and I’m lying on my bed wearing gym clothes. I didn’t make any plans for the weekend with the exception of Sunday brunch and I’m semi-OK with that. On one hand, I am tired from a lot of recent business travel. On the other, I miss my friends and know I am going to be traveling a ton these next two months so when will I see them?

But back to the first hand. Lounging on my bed with Law & Order playing in the background is all I can seem to do. I don’t even have the energy to visit the cats today.

Baby cat 20160818_120116

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Five or six weeks ago, I emailed a therapist specializing in grief counseling to request an appointment. I followed the process spelled out on her web site after going through a painstaking process to identify her as someone who accepted my insurance, didn’t have hellaciously bad reviews online, wasn’t geographically undesirable and maybe-hopefully had a basic web site via which I could confirm the particulars.

She has yet to respond to my initial inquiry, or a follow up one made after three weeks of silence. Thus far, I haven’t been able to make myself place a follow-up phone call. And I absolutely don’t have the energy to cross-reference the thousands of listings of people my insurance company swears take my insurance (not this one) with ZocDoc or Yelp or similar. As a result, I will probably try to make an appointment near home at a place that doesn’t take insurance, but does respond to appointment inquiries and fast. At $300 per session, they are quite ready to sign me up.

But I will figure something out eventually, right?

I don’t feel depressed in the sense that I have before. Depression is not unfamiliar to me. I take medicine and previously worked through the things that hurt me in therapy. The black dog has followed me for as long as I can remember. But it has become manageable. Had.

This part of me isn’t something I had been ashamed of, but I had long felt it was well addressed and I didn’t need to talk about it.

But this is different. I feel flat. There’s so little that excites me. My ‘happy place’ right now is lying in bed playing Words with Friends or sleeping. I cancel plans frequently.

I find it so hard to focus. I feel tired every hour of every day. My body aches. About once a week, spurred by thoughts of my father, I have a big cry. And yes, typing that sentence caused a lump in my throat followed by a rush of tears to my eyes.

I miss Dad so much – the uncomplicated nature of our relationship and the constancy of his support. While we had philosophical disagreements, I always knew he was listening to me, absorbing my thought process and considering it carefully.

Dad’s absence has changed my relationship with my mother too. I knew it would, of course, but the changes are not at all what I expected, making me feel lost in the dark. I thought she would need me more and it’s not that I wish for her to need me more, but I can’t say I understand how to act right now. Additionally, in spite of her strength, I don’t feel like I can tell her how rough I have been feeling, particularly after what I put her through last fall.

Even though I know I have reason not to feel my best, I feel guilty for the fact that I don’t. I feel terrible about my inability to write, or to focus my pitiful attention long enough to read a chapter of a book. I can’t fathom ever pushing myself hard enough to get fit again.

I don’t feel terrible, just low, most days–only some. I’m not sad daily, but my energy level is poor. One day, I am able to power through with smile, more or less. But others, I spend hours in bed. Making small talk, something my livelihood depends on, feels like torture sometimes.

I know from experience that this too shall pass. But in this moment, I can only wish to feel better soon.


It’s Sunday. I wake up excited to have brunch with my friend Brooke and then do a little skincare shopping together. The sun is shining for the first time since I returned from my most recent business trip a few days ago.

On my way home from brunch and shopping, I stop at Whole Foods in hopes of finding some of my favorite ice cream – score! – and then stop by to see the kitties.

 

Some days are easier than others.

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The golden age of naps

I can’t help but feel that I was ahead of the curve. Long-time readers have seen my nap posts and my odes to sleep.

Photo via Splash News

Photo via Splash News

The rest of the world seems to be catching up because suddenly there are nap desks (which I want so, so badly), mobile nap pods and nap hoodies. Continue reading

These are a few of my favorite things (right now anyway)

I don’t know about you, but Spring is making me Spend. Here is where my money is going right now.

These Marc by Marc Jacobs sandals.

High, but not too high. For me, the ankle strap is important for comfort. I booked a fresh pedicure appointment right after they arrived in the mail. Gotta be ready.

Via Amazon

Kingside restaurant at the Viceroy NYC Continue reading

Young Chicklette loved to sleep too

I asked my mother if she could dig up any of my childhood journals. Recently she delivered.

My eighth grade journal was apparently started as a part of a school assignment. I can tell because each entry includes a vocabulary word which I would helpfully underline. As a result, though, the entries in this journal are 1. brief and 2. not juicy. Fortunately there are more journals coming.

You’ll be glad to know that one of my key personality traits emerged early: I have been a lady of leisure since the beginning.

JournalIn my defense, by eighth grade, I was in dance classes and rehearsals at least ten hours per week. On top of that, I was relatively serious about school and involved in activities like cheerleading and piano lessons.

sleeping

Give a girl the weekend to nestle in bed, OK?

Sadly, my handwriting has only deteriorated. Hooray for email!

Have you seen this?

TGIF, my friends. What do you have planned for the weekend? I’ll be home in NYC planning for next weekend’s trip to sunny Florida.

In the meantime, here are some fun/interesting/thought-provoking things I read recently.

You know I love Kanye. Dancing Kanye is even better.


What your cuddling habits say about your relationship. Honestly, I felt a bit melancholy as I read it (“oh! I miss how we used to stay connected in some small way while we slept…”) but ultimately I found the post sweet.

Image by rozin.abbas for TrendyJoe

Image by rozin.abbas for TrendyJoe

Continue reading