Tag Archives: surgery

Summer of Suck 2.0: Did I just learn how to meditate?

I sat in my wheelchair wearing two hospital gowns – one open to the back and one open to the front like a makeshift robe. Underneath, there were giant, disposable, hospital-provided granny panties and and an ink scribble on my belly, pointing to the location of my tumor.

A nurse gave me a cap to cover my hair. Then, it was time to go. We pushed through the big stainless steel-covered door leading to a hallway full of operating rooms. The door gave me a strange flashback: my heart raced exactly as it did when I rode through a rickety traveling carnival haunted house as a teenager. Continue reading

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Summer of Suck 2.0: Now what?

You’re might sick of reading about my Summer of Suck but hey! This is my blog.

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Today is day eleven post-op and I’m feeling OK. I go back to the surgeon again later this week.

Strangely, I think I felt a bit better around day five than, say, day nine. Apparently recovery isn’t a linear process. My chief complaints are basic: fatigue and lack of appetite. Both of these are better than pain, I guess.

A lot of my life was in limbo these last six weeks and now I’m left with the “What Next?” question.

A much-anticipated trip to Italy was postponed. We hope to reschedule the mother-daughter jaunt for Spring 2017.

I’m missing two weddings in LA including Matt’s and I’m very sad about that.

It looks like I can go to LA for this Bon Iver show and perhaps to DC for this Sia show (I have tickets for the Brooklyn show and am looking for friends to join me, hint hint).

I just booked my first post-op business trip. Am I up to it? (no)

Do I dare try to squeeze in a vacation before year end?

Is it too soon to talk to Mom about how to avoid Christmas being a disaster?

I realize that these are nice problems to have, of course. Just have too many thoughts in my head right now. Thanks for all your love and support, particularly of late.

 

Update: ha, ha! Everything is terrible. None of that went according to plan.

Surgery Day

I feel like I am on a roller coaster approaching the top of that first hill, and I want to get off.

But in lieu of that, I will get my tumor removed today. As you’re reading this, the operation may already be over. I was told to be at the hospital at 6 am – and you know I’m not a morning person so this should be interesting.

Wish me luck! I’ll update you when I can.

(this is a scheduled post)

Summer of Suck 2.0 – Part Eleven: What’s in My Bag

You know how US Weekly does a feature called “What’s in Your Bag?” where celebrities show all of the odds and ends floating around their designer bags?

This is something like that except not at all like that. Because the bag in question is the bag I’m taking to the hospital. For starters, it’s a beat-up, well-traveled half-suitcase (it looks like this).

Instead of Nia Long‘s Dior mascara, I will be packing six or seven of my most modest pairs of underpants to deal with never-closed hospital gowns.

Continue reading

Summer of Suck 2.0 – Part Ten: This is how I’m preparing for surgery

There’s today (Sunday) and then the next day, and one more day. Then surgery.

I keep wishing something exciting were happening on Wednesday – a vacation! Something wonderful! But such is life. Wednesday is going to be disorienting and painful. Thursday and Friday will probably be more of the same. It’s hard to think about so I’m trying to focus on preparation and my wonderful friends’ efforts to distract me.


Here is how I’m prepping for the big day.

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Having a spectacular dinner at Root & Bone with Adrienne. Continue reading

Summer of Suck 2.0 – Part Nine: Why does my heart feel so bad?

I usually start a new blog post with a strong sense of what I want to say and how. The words and their tone typically come to me as naturally as breathing. And I’m guilty of not proofreading most posts beyond running spellcheck because of my eagerness to connect with people through my writing.

Right now, though, I’m at a loss. This week, I have sat down to write a new post several times and although I have many things to say, the words remain a jumble. But I don’t want to wait any longer to post given the looming deadline of my surgery even if what I write isn’t the best reading experience.

Day by day, I’m learning that for me, the difference between happy anticipation and anxiety aren’t as large as I would have thought. There’s a countdown clock ticking in my mind that keeps me from sleeping at night and from focusing to the extent I would like during the day. I felt this anticipation before moving apartments and going to St. Martin with friends. There’s an eagerness to get to the date circled on the calendar–just no reward, really, once it arrives.

All too often now, I feel ill in a way that I’m not sure if physical, emotional or both. The heartburn, caused my the tumor squeezing my pancreas out of position, is real, but is the headache? Why am I coughing still?* Why do I feel so exhausted even when I do sleep? Why can’t I think straight?

Sometimes I chide myself for making too big a fuss over the surgery. But then I think that maybe I haven’t done enough to plan for the possible outcomes.

There were times during my father‘s last year of life when I looked back and realized how easy things had been–times I had thought were challenging in the moment were nothing like the scary present. And that’s what is on my mind right now: what if this is the easy time and life after surgery is worse, not better? What if this is my easy time?


*my general practitioner listened to my lungs on Monday. They’re clear.

 

By the way, the title refers to a Moby song that is stuck on repeat in my head these days.

Remember when I said I needed a new bed?

I don’t use phrases like feng shui often, but here am I, thinking about it in relation to my bedroom.

Something hasn’t feel right in the boudoir since I moved in. I love my new apartment, but the bedroom arrangement and styling attention. The room feels cramped; the worst part being that I have just six or seven inches between the end of my queen size bed and ancient dresser, both from Crate and Barrel.

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My bedroom is also way, way too bright most mornings (and some afternoons too when I feel like being lazy). I need to add room-darkening curtains to the existing shades that came with the apartment.

With my upcoming surgery, I am going to be spending more time in my bedroom. I want it to feel as good as possible. Continue reading